Healing Through Choices: A Journey of Faith

When I was younger, I craved attention. As I moved into my teens, that need only grew. I found myself constantly seeking validation and recognition, often in ways that weren’t healthy or helpful. To be honest, I enjoyed it even into my twenties and beyond. But as I began to live for the Lord, something started to shift in me. I experienced healing — healing in my spirit, soul, and body (we are a three part being)  — and that process is still unfolding today. I believe it will continue until the Lord returns, but I’m so grateful for His faithfulness. As 2 Timonthy 2:13 reminds us, that even when we are faithless, He is faithful, and He doesn’t give up on us easily.

If we are faithless, He remains faithful; He cannot deny Himself. 2 Timonth 2:13

Looking back, I can see that many of the struggles I faced began in childhood. But like most people, I didn’t have the tools to understand or navigate those struggles. And as life went on, more issues piled up, making things harder. The thing is, we all have a tendency to make poor decisions if we don’t actively choose to make better ones. It can feel like a snowball effect of challenges, mistakes, and missed opportunities.

As a child, my need for attention led me to do things that I thought would bring it — but not the right kind of attention. The attention I got was often negative, and instead of drawing people closer, it pushed them away. Who really wants to be around someone who constantly stirs up chaos, drama and negative attention? Even when I tried to do better, I found myself gravitating toward people who weren’t good for me, people who made me feel inferior or “less than.” I remember the cliques in school that I never seemed to fit into. Despite having some good friends, there was always this feeling of not measuring up and some of the friends I made were hanging in groups that made me feel really bad about myself.  Yes, the insecurities I already carried didn’t help, but some of the people I was surrounding myself with were also seeking negative attention, just like I was.

One of the most important lessons I learned came when I was still in elementary school, probably around 2nd or 3rd grade. Someone told me I didn’t need to please others to be their friend. It was a simple but profound piece of advice that stuck with me, even though I didn’t fully grasp it at the time. However, there was still the little girl I remember — a Asian classmate who manipulated me and my sister, making us feel small and worthless. That experience was part of the larger struggle I faced: trying to find my identity in a world that didn’t seem to care about who I really was.

Growing up, I learned that always smiling didn’t make others smile back. Even when things were difficult at home, I put on a smile and said “sorry” way too often. Beneath that smile were insecurities I didn’t know how to handle. I tried to be kind to everyone, but after a while, I grew frustrated when people didn’t respond the way I hoped. I couldn’t understand why people would treat me with meanness or indifference. As I got older, I stopped letting others stomp on me. I wasn’t a fighter, but I wasn’t a doormat either. It wasn’t that I wanted to fight, but I stopped being afraid to stand up for myself.

In my teens, I resorted to even darker ways of seeking attention — cutting myself. It was my misguided attempt to express the pain I felt inside. The scars still remain, a reminder of how far I was willing to go to feel something, anything. But looking back, I now realize that it didn’t solve anything. It didn’t bring the right kind of people into my life, and it certainly didn’t make anyone love me more. Negative attention never brings positive results. Cutting, or any self-destructive behavior, is a cry for help, a sign that we don’t feel enough love for ourselves to make better choices.

For with God nothing will be impossible.  Luke 1:37

I didn’t learn that lesson right away, but I know it now. I have the power to change the course of my life. I can choose every day whether to live in the past or rise above my circumstances. It won’t always be easy, and there will be obstacles that tell me it’s impossible. But I know that with God, nothing is impossible (Luke 1:37). I have to choose to believe Him and trust that His Word is true — He cannot lie (Hebrews 6:18). He loves me and wants me to make wise choices (Proverbs 2:11-21). It’s up to me to change the outcome of my life through prayer, persistence, and making better decisions.

in hope of eternal life which God, who cannot lie, promised before time began Titus 1:2

Things will never be perfect on this earth, but with a relationship with Jesus and His constant help, I know everything will be alright. I’ve learned that we can’t give up. Psalm 27:14 encourages us to "wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." Endurance is key — even if we fall ten times in one day, the goal is to get back up. Failure isn’t in the fall; it’s in staying down. It’s in giving up. The Bible tells us to endure until the end (Matthew 24:13), and that means choosing to rise every time we fall.

Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord! Psalm 27:14

So today, I choose to believe God. I choose to take His Word at face value and live with hope, perseverance, and the knowledge that I am never alone in this journey. Is this easy to do? NO. My feelings like to dictate and tell me to believe something is real when in reality it's completely false. Feelings lie and I'm learning each day to not rely on my emotions but the word of God. and I have to remember that each day is a new opportunity to make better choices, to learn from the past, and to walk forward in faith, no matter the obstacles that come my way. We can each learn to make better choices.  It's a daily thing and sometimes minue by minute and second by second.  This I know - we must endure to the end.  Will you endure with me? 

But he who endures to the end shall be saved. Matthew 24:13

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